The prayer
by SheenaBelmont
Summary: Christa could give thousands of excuses to herself but it was not possible to regret something when Ymir's fingers were inside her. They lived with death breathing over their napes at every moment. She couldn't afford to doubt her. Having a person taking care of her back full time was almost a miracle. One-shot, yumikuri, GL. May contain SPOILERS.


_Hi there!~_

_This is my first Attack on Titan fanfic. I write it some time ago in spanish and I decided to translate it into english. I wanna apologize for the mistakes I probably commited while translating. English is not my mother tongue but I'm really trying. _

_So it is a yumikuri one-shot (it contains GL of course). I love Ymir and Christa so much~_

_**Warning: **it may contain spoilers (if you didn't read the manga)._

_**Disclaimer:** Attack on Titan belongs to Hajime Isayama, not me._

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There was two different kinds of nights in which Christa couldn't sleep. The first ones were those when Ymir met her. She knew that she mustn't do it, but that woman claimed for her so insistently she always yielded. She couldn't deny her anything. The other nights were the ones when she woke up suddenly, overcome by an irrational fear. That fear wasn't of death nor the titans but her existence. She felt consumed by the uncertainty of not knowing who she truly was, just like if there was poison flowing through her veins. Damn, Christa wasn't even her true name. That was something she said nobody but her.

Unfortunately, this was one of these nights. Even when she wished to find Ymir besides her bed, tugging at her clothes to wake her up and covering her mouth to not make noise, it never happened. She surprised herself thinking about that because she always felt guilt and remorse when it occurred. Christa remembered how these encounters had begun. The first time, she woke up when she perceived a presence close to her bed; she was sleepy and stunned and she wasn't able to comprehend what she was doing there. They didn't even share the same room. She understood it better when she slipped under the blankets with her. After a couple of meetings they had learnt that Mikasa was a light sleeper. She was a very light sleeper. So, Ymir had changed her tactic. She took Christa out of the bed and she led her holding her hand till the warehouse, where nobody would search for them during the night. There their only companies were the dusty boxes stacked in the corners and the 3DMG ready to be used when necessary. It was less daring but maybe more... impersonal.

That happened during the three years of their training in the academy. They were true soldiers now, members of the Scouting Legion with full rights. They were under the direct orders of humanity's stronger soldier. Life outside of the walls was not only dangerous. They lived with death breathing over their napes at every moment. And she was a titan.

To discover that had been much less shocking than Christa had imagined. Everybody had something to hide. She herself had secrets. Even though she was a titan, Ymir was not evil. She was sure. She needn't know her story to know it. She had protected her since the very moment she met her so Christa couldn't afford to doubt her. How could she do that after all those nights? If she wanted to hurt her, she would have had a thousand chances. But Christa had obeyed her in a thousand ways. Despite she fought against the feeling that it was bad, she couldn't deny it. It was not possible to regret something when Ymir's fingers were inside her, when her tongue explored her deeply. She was unable to avoid the shivers with every kiss Ymir left on her skin, to deny that electric sensation when she got tired of playing with her lips and her tongue wanted to be even more inside. Ymir's hands were sometimes rough and rude but they made Christa feel intense warmth wherever they touched. She knew how to manipulate her body perfectly. She had learnt that she had to let her grasp her back and bite her neck, her clavicle, her breasts or any other place when she slipped over her, between her legs, being soaking wet, to not awake the entire damn station.

Ymir used to joke and say that she was her goddess to ironize the nickname their mates in the academy had given her. She could be direct, sharp, and even unpleasant, but never with Christa. She seemed to need nobody but her. In these sleepless nights, Christa asked herself the reason why. She worried her devotion hid an egotistical purpose or her loyalty was due to an unaware intention. She worried being nothing but a puppet for Ymir.

Christa sat up straight in bed and enclosed her knees with her arms. The sunrise was still far. The room was filled with silence, which was just broken occasionally by Sasha's babbling while asleep. Ymir won't come. She was far, so far. She was maybe not so far but she had that feeling. She reprimanded herself for having such thoughts. Surviving was a miracle in that hostile world. And so it was having a person taking care of her back full time. Ymir was that person, even when she scolded her for being too kind because that rotten world they walked by would never give back that kindness she awarded. She had uncovered her secret in front of everybody just to save her life. Christa may be naïve but unable to believe that it wasn't an altruistic gesture. If somebody had to betray her, it wouldn't be her. She had to run away to avoid her death and Christa felt in part responsible for it.

She fell asleep again holding her pillow and missing Ymir's kisses. She could give thousands of excuses to herself or keep telling herself that it was wrong over and over again but in fact she realized how much she needed her. The nature of these feelings didn't even matter. In such reality it was almost better not to name them. If she confessed it aloud then it could become real so when one of them fall into a titan's hands the loss would be much more painful. That was on her head and the way she had to show it was whispering her name in her ear when moaning, or hiding the marks left by Ymir's nails on her skin or just living – living as she had requested her to honor her sacrifice, to find her because she wouldn't left her alone to her fate.

There were a lot of worries that hampered Christa's sleep but if she had something clear was that she wouldn't allow that strange conspiracy that sifted over them like black stormy clouds reach Ymir in any way. She had decided to be brave for her. All that she needed was feeling her hands holding her hips one more time. She would prove to her which kind of person she was taking a risk for. So when she met her again maybe she would do something that she had never done before: she would hug her, it didn't matter if she was a human or a titan. She would hug her. In that way she would certainly know why she had remained always silent, so it would never die inside her.

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_I hope you liked it! I would appreciate a lot if you leave a comment :)_

_See ya!~_


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